Vertigo

Vertigo

Is it the fear that I might fall?
Or that I might obey the pull, and step off?

Now I am older and aware of what there is to lose
I tell myself, it's fear of falling:
I've turned my back on risks,  take care of what I do.
Cable cars,  high towers,  ladders,  glass floors
All hold a special kind of terror -
A stomach churning, inability to look,
A holding on tightly to hands,  guard rails,  rock faces,
Unable to let go and enjoy the moment.

In younger days, when falling held no fear,
And less likely to tell myself comforting stories,
I knew I was drawn to edges.  Two memories:
Aged ten, on my way to school,
Veering close to the kerb as a car approached,
Feeling the pull, but pulling back as it passed.
A few years later, again travelling to school,
Standing safely back from the platform edge,
Then edging closer, facing the front of the train,
Feeling the strength of its pull.

My mum sought the solution at the doctor's-
Gave me a bottle of valium,
But it lingered.
It isn't a case of feeling suicidal -
I live a happy life, have never wished for it to end.

It is simply the pull of the possible.


© Copyright 2020. Chris Auger. All Rights Reserved


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